1.21.2006

Newton terrorist hoaxer: The jig is up

Someone in Newton will shortly have a nasty experience, courtesy of local, state and federal law enforcement.

It will probably go down something like this: At about 4 or 5 am on a weekday morning, a bunch of heavily armed men wearing bulletproof vests and helmets will break down your door, race to your bedroom, and shout loudly into your face not to fucking move while pointing automatic weapons at your pajama-clad body.

Or, if the powers that be decide that method is too dangerous to themselves or other residents of your home, they will wait until you are driving to work or the local donut shop, and box your car in with an assortment of unmarked Ford LTDs and black SUVs. Then men with big guns will jump out and tell you not to fucking reach down or drive away, just put your hands on the dashboard or get out of the car with your hands up.

You see, the jig is up. What you thought was an email prank on Wednesday -- threatening Anthrax or whatever at Brandeis -- is not really a prank at all. It's a terrorist threat. You scared the wits out of a lot of people, including several hundred kids at a nearby elementary school, and their teachers, not to mention local Waltham residents, the students and staff at Brandeis, cops, firemen, and the FBI.

But they have your number. They know you sent the message from somewhere in Newton. They'll find out which computer it came from, and tie it to you.

So here's what Borderline advises. First find a really good lawyer, and then turn yourself in as soon as possible. It's the right thing to do. By showing contrition and helping investigators tie things up, you may be able to shave some time off of that 20 year sentence the cops are threatening.

And you'll be able to avoid your own terror experience, courtesy of locked and loaded law enforcement personnel.

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